Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00 <inaudible>,
Speaker 1 00:08 you are listening to our anxiety stories, the anxiety Canada podcast with John Beekman. Check out anxiety canada.com for more totally free anxiety resources, including our app mind shift at CBT LA on the line. Is that right
Speaker 2 00:26 Emmy? Sorry, I even saw it. How are you? I'm doing fine. Um, uh, the, what I'm basically asking people, uh, is because this is, this event is, you know, is called our anxiety stories. And right off the bat, I guess my, my, my basic start question for people is what's your anxiety story? Um, you know, where did it start for you and how has it affected your life?
Speaker 3 00:50 Yes. So my anxiety started when I was doing my, uh, bar school, so I finished law school and then went on to do the bar school. And, uh, it started right in the middle of it, uh, high-stress period, obviously. And uh, I saw someone at the time who, uh, turns out, wasn't qualified to help me, but, um, it was difficult to know between, uh, terrapins or psychologists and all of that. I wasn't familiar with any of it. I didn't look for credentials around anxiety because I didn't know I had anxiety. Um, and so I, I saw her, she didn't give me any kind of diagnosis or, or, uh, pointed me in that direction. And because anxiety runs out of gas, I eventually felt better and thought this is it. Uh, but it kind of lingered. And I had this Greek though it over my head, uh, for 10 more years after that, uh, or about that.
Speaker 3 01:53 Um, and then I had my first child and came sleep deprivation and then at my second child was sleeping even less. It just snowballed. Um, and then I really hit rock bottom. Um, at one point I walked myself to the ER in the middle of the night and, uh, I was afraid I would, uh, become, uh, I would lose control over my actions and mate, um, endanger my kids. So yeah, well, yeah, in my life. So I just, I decided it would be better if I wasn't in their life, then I'm risking to be a danger for them. And luckily I choose the E R over other options I was contemplating at the time. And, um, the doctor wanted to send me home with some sleeping pills and I, uh, said no, that if he did that I would not go home and be agreed to, uh, keep me in. And I found out the next day that I actually had something called OCD, which I didn't know because to me OCD is the person was compulsion's not obsessions. And that is what I had. Um, and the, at that point ended up staying for one month until a hospital to be the recover from that and ensure the medicines, uh, were helping. And I started a psychotherapy with a property trained therapist and, uh, CBT. Yeah. And yeah, that's was, uh, almost the eight years ago now.
Speaker 2 03:39 Eight years. Yeah. It's a very familiar story to me, uh, because I have two kids that are older now. Um, and man, uh, sleep deprivation, I didn't think it affected me that much and, uh, it really affected my wife, um, through that period of time. Um, because, you know, moms are pulling all this, do you know this duty? Like, you know, she was breastfeeding and she was, you know, you're the, you're the sole person to keep this little person alive.
Speaker 3 04:05 Yeah, absolutely. Um, I, I say often to people try to, uh, kind of diminish the, the being in back of sleep deprivation. It's a form of torture you, uh, by the army, so it is, uh, terrible to not sleep. And when you have, um, a mental illness, uh, it can just send you completely over the top. Yeah. So self care like that, uh, as simple as making sure you sleep enough can really, uh, help significant to me with any type of mental illness challenges.
Speaker 2 04:42 Yeah. I find sleep is kind of probably pretty much number one for me. Yeah. I guess what I'm curious about, you as you, you know, you talked about, you, you, uh, you wrote the bar, right? Yeah. Um, and you, and you've had two kids. Um, those are, I've never written the bar. I've never experienced that kind of academic stress, um, by design. Uh, I just, it just knew that wasn't for me. Um, but I guess I'm wanting like comparatively, what were those, how do those two, those two events compare to you, compare to you in terms of the stress and anxiety that they caused you? I mean, I know that the kids were the ultimate trigger, but how do they compare in terms of the, the stress levels that gave you?
Speaker 3 05:23 Um, I think with the bar it was, I could control everything. So some extent it was easier because I could, um, decide that how much effort I would put in. And really after that, it's though that I did was around February, March, and I only had one more exams as a way to work. I was back in Quebec, we had six exam and I only had one list and I just decided after that, you know, you don't need 100%, you just need to pass and that be good enough. Um, but with kids, uh, I, it took me, I think by surprise how, I mean we're all responsible as parents, but I was terrified I would damage them. Uh, or that I would, something would happen to me and they would forgive me or it'd be, would, um, the, they would not know how much they were loved and that occupied my thoughts.
Speaker 2 06:27 Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3 06:28 Four hours, seven days a week. It just wouldn't stop
Speaker 2 06:32 exhausting.
Speaker 3 06:34 Oh yeah. Beyond belief. And then I wasn't functional. Anything would take hours do because I wanted to make sure twists and safely, I spent hundreds of dollars on our earthquake safety kits because it couldn't be good at, and it's never enough. When you're feeding a OCD, it just, you move on to the next thing. You think, Oh, I'll just do this. I'll just make sure I have my safety kit here, then I'll be fine. But no, then you move on to something else. It's never enough. Yeah. So that's snowball. I just couldn't stop it on my own.
Speaker 2 07:13 Yeah. Yeah. So you, uh, you serve on the anxiety on the board of the anxiety of anxiety Canada. Yeah. And what, what moved you to join them? Or did you contact, uh, anxiety Canada?
Speaker 3 07:27 No, actually <inaudible> well, uh, no, I'm gonna start that again. Uh, my CBT psychologist, uh, was part of anxiety BC back then when it was, uh, funded, uh, started, uh, she, she mentioned it to me. So through our sessions after multiple years, the senior, almost on a weekly basis, uh, once she figured that I was doing better, she just mentioned it and said, you know, they're always looking for board members and I'm in the corporate world. That's, that's my job, my full time job. So it made sense and I met with Judas and right away fell in love with her as a person and I mean I'm 100% supportive of the, the, the mission of anxiety Canada. So they twist, easy to say yes. Yeah. Um, yeah,
Speaker 2 08:24 yeah, yeah, for sure. Uh, I mean I'm not on the board, but I was happy to become a champion and serve them in this way too because I believe in and, and being open and open advocate about it. Where you always, once you, I, I, you know, I'm really curious about your time. When you left the hospital, um, in the hospital. Did you get to see? Did you see your kids during that time?
Speaker 3 08:45 I did. And that was the condition for me when they said, we think you would be better off staying with us. We're a few days. Yeah. Um, I was still nursing at the time, so I said, um, will I still be able to nurse my child? He was only eight months old at the time and can I see them? And once they said yes to both those questions, I was like, okay, then deal. And you know, they were little w eight, eight month old baby. And then my daughter was just, um, two and a half. Uh, they, they didn't they at that, like those kids that age don't have, uh, preconceptions about people. They just love everybody. So they came, I was at the mood disorder unit at two BC, uh, with people mostly with, uh, bipolar or depression. I think I was the only one, um, with anxiety as the primary diagnosis.
Speaker 3 09:44 And I heard, I don't know how exactly if it's true, but I heard two grapevines that I was the last patient admitted there with anxiety as a primary disorder. They don't take people with anxiety anymore, which is really, really sad. That's the interesting thing. I don't, I don't understand that. Yeah. I don't know why, but it's mood disorder and I guess anxiety doesn't fit within that. Uh, but it was the best place for me because, um, I initially went to VGH and the psychiatry units there is scary. They have a lot of people in psychosis on drugs, um, that, you know, the beds are carved out off the floor. They have stainless steel toilet. It was so scary and I know there overnight just done one night that's good in the unit for like half an hour meeting with the psychiatric on call that day. But I would not have been comfortable there at UBC.
Speaker 3 10:48 It's, I have big windows itself in nature and it's, the people are suffering in the same way that I was. It wasn't, I didn't feel in danger at any time. Um, it was just people struggling with similar mental illnesses. Um, most people didn't want to have a room on their own. They were the ones, most of the patients wanted to be with others. I w I was lucky enough, I was given a tiny little closet. Yeah. Uh, that was perfect for what I needed. And the first night I slept over 16 hours. Exhausted. Yeah. Kids were coming. Um, they loved going to the fridge because people then drink, um, their little milk that came with breakfast. So that was the big thing for my daughter was to go into <inaudible> hello milk. And if there was a nurse on the weekend who would always bring her dog. Yeah. Tiny little like quite dogs. So she was running with the dog. Yeah. Um, and being charming with the stuff with the, the other patients. And it was just, uh, they made it easy for me to stay there and not feel like I was abandoning my kids.
Speaker 2 12:09 Nice to time go by pretty quickly in there. That's, you know, that's a pretty long time.
Speaker 3 12:14 Uh, did it go fast? Well it, I needed it, you know, I, I had Euro consents and myself, uh, even picking dinner or what I was wearing seems like a mountain. So I really appreciated though. At first I was allowed to leave with a person in charge of me and I was happy to have it.
Speaker 2 12:35 Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3 12:37 Then I moved on to being in and out school out on my own for maybe an hour. I went to the coffee shop, grabbed a coffee and walked back to the hospital. And the next day was a few more hours and I, whenever I came back at a one on one with the my nurse that day and we would go over kind of how I was feeling. So it just really allowed me to slowly build back that consent that I think outside of the hospital would have taken me Kirby weeks, maybe even months to be able to really have that back feel like I could be in charge of myself and have children.
Speaker 2 13:17 <inaudible> so what was it like when you got back to your home?
Speaker 3 13:22 Uh, so I, I was lucky. I mean I have a very supportive family. So I actually went back to Quebec, uh, where my parents had rented a cottage for this summer and the, uh, them and my sister basically, um, split the time and there was always someone with me and the kids. Yeah. And at first because I needed someone, I just couldn't do it on my own and then slowly I was more and more independent. Uh, but it was really nice to be out in nature, um, getting dirty, you know, with OCD and I was so afraid that my kids would get sick or, and it just, it's forced me to, to really put things in perspective and yeah. Uh, yeah, so that was nice. And um, I stayed there maybe for two months and then came back here and my son started daycare so I had more time to myself. And eventually you started working again on a part time basis. Yeah, I was lucky. I have to say being on mat leave when all of this happened, we moved such a huge pressure off of my shoulders cause I didn't have to justify the absence to anyone,
Speaker 2 14:36 which is definitely one nice aspect about, about the Canadian healthcare system. We consider what our, uh, that our neighbors, the South don't, don't have that luxury at all. You know, one thing I'm curious about too, cause you mentioned your kids and you, that part of your, part of the, your, your thoughts manifested in terms of, in terms of, um, you know, the dirt and getting dirty and all that kinda stuff. What was your upbringing like when you were a kid? Did you, how was that? What was your experience?
Speaker 3 15:02 Oh no, I grew up, uh, in a culdesac place where we were always on the street. Dirty. Yeah. Uh, eating sand and rocks. Um, it's really N I can't, um, it's definitely not a reflection of how I was.
Speaker 2 15:23 No. And that's what, and that's what I'm, that's where I'm going with this because I think that's important that people know that, that just because you, you know, even though you had that kind of upbringing, um, that just shows what the symptoms of this disease can do. Um, cause, you know, even in your most rational mind, you know, you experienced that and you've lived through it, but you still had those impulses that were very contrary to what you were brought up with.
Speaker 3 15:47 Yeah, absolutely. And as much as my mom has tried to identify what she did wrong, feeling very good, you'll see about all of that. Um, there is nothing, this is not caused by someone or something. Um, I mean if we get dirty in the details, I know they are, but then she's some infections that can trigger OCD. But in my case, it's wasn't that at all. Yeah. Um, and you know, I, I think it was just part of me and, um, I, I don't know if, if the stars aligned or if I was meant to have this, but it happened and they <inaudible> not because my parents did or did not do something.
Speaker 2 16:33 Yeah. I find that traditionally, you know, with a lot of sites like I've been to, I've been to what I call a parade of psychologists and psychiatrists. Um, you know, playing the blame game will only get you to so far are trying to decode something from the past. And it's important to release emotions around that. But ultimately we're dealing with who we are now and, uh, and, and, and how we establish, you know, those good habits going forward. And it sounds like you've really come to terms with that.
Speaker 3 17:01 Uh, yeah, I commute CBT is so clear. Um, and it helped it up, this legal background because my psychologist just said, Emmy, you know, when you have those recurrent thoughts in your head, just put them on trial. You need to look at the evidence. Are they guilty or not? And if you decided they're not, move on and it's going to feel uncomfortable for a little while, but sit with that discomfort and power through and you'll see over time you'll feel better and better. So to me that was, look at the evidence. Are you just a fi? I'm feeling this way or being worried and if not, just suck it up. And that was such a big moment for it changed
Speaker 1 17:50 my life. It's been so great having you talk openly about your experiences. It's perfect for distinct to our anxiety, the anxiety. Pat, thank you so much for taking the time. <inaudible> dot com for more anxiety resources at CBT. And if you like what you hear, nature, this podcast is made possible by listening. Until next time, for sure. Thanks a lot. Take care. Bye bye.
Speaker 0 18:18 <inaudible>
Speaker 1 18:22 thanks for listening to our anxiety stories, the anxiety candidate podcast with John Beekman. Check out anxiety canada.com for more anxiety resources, including our app Mindshift CBT. And if you like what you hear, please consider making a donation. This podcast is made possible by listeners like you. Until next time
Speaker 0 18:41 <inaudible>.
